What I Believe (Today)

Growing in Strength & Faith Everyday

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  • I Believe That It’s Going To Get Easier

    I’m really mad at myself.

    I had such high aspirations for myself this winter. I was going to get on top of my health (both mental and physical), I was going to try and be more social and make new meaningful connections, and I even told myself I would try and start writing a book. I’ve done literally none of that.

    Winters have always been really tough for me. My mental health takes a complete 180 and I become a complete shell of myself. I hope some of you can relate. I love being outside and going for walks or playing sports, but man I hate the cold. All I want to do is just stay inside and stay bundled up. Because of that, I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep the walls from closing in. I catch myself deep in boredom, deep in thought, deep in regret.

    I feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of the good time I have left on this earth. I’ve been in a place of waiting. And waiting sucks. It’s hard to feel like it’s worth it to keep going when every day feels the same. I’m just waiting for that big breakthrough. I honestly just keep going because I feel like there’s always a chance tomorrow might be that day. And to me, that’s enough.

    I can’t remember who shared this with me, but I view myself as an arrow on God’s bow. I am at the mercy of His great plan for me, and I know how great it will be. Right now, it’s just…not. God is the perfect archer, and He will always hit His target. It seems God is pulling me backwards. And yeah, it’s a little frustrating. For the last few years, I was under the impression that I was moving forward and taking great strides on that path. Why, of all times NOW, am I being pulled back?

    It’s because He has to make sure I’m in the right position for takeoff. Anyone who has shot a bow (or any weapon that wasn’t pointed at another living creature), you would know that you need the right aim and the right tension on the knock to make sure you hit the target. If I wasn’t in the right position, God wouldn’t be able to show me exactly where I need to go. When He lets go of that arrow, I know that I’ll go further and closer to the target than I would ever be able to by myself. I just need to trust Him.

    I know the winter is going to end. I know the “sads” are going to end. I just need to trust Him. We all do. I’ve said before how harsh the winters can be for some people. Again, check in on your friends. I’ve done a terrible job of responding to those who check in on me, but know how much love I have for you. You embolden me and strengthen me to keep wanting to be better. I’m still here. I’m still alive. I’m still struggling. But I’m still going.

    Prayer: Hey God. Sorry I might’ve been distant. But please just know that I’m trying. You never give up on me. I’ll never give up on me. Please be there for all who are lonely this season. Show them the great love you’ve shown me so they know they are not alone. You are walking with them every step of the way. Protect those who are struggling to stay warm this Christmas. Warm their hearts and keep them safe, because we both know they need the blessings way more than I do. Amen.

    -cg

  • I Believe There Is Always A Reason To Be Thankful

    Happy Thanksgiving! Today is a perfect day to be reminded to be thankful. For anything. For everything. I wish I could say my heart was full with love and thanks today, but at this point, we all know where my mental health is at.

    As I was driving home from my family’s Thanksgiving, I was bombarded with emotion. Mainly negative emotion. But in the midst of that, I caught myself having one repeated thought: There’s a reason all of this happened. Once I was able to grasp that, I realized that instead of being sad, I should be thankful.

    When I say “thankful”, I’m sure a lot of you are thinking that I’m sitting here happy that I’m feeling this way and I’m thanking God for this. Far from it. I’m thankful because I’m grateful. I acknowledge the process. I know that there is something greater. It’s easy to blame God when things go wrong. This time, let’s try being thankful for things going wrong. Thankful that God cares enough to show me that life was not going the way He had written for me.

    For the rest of the car ride, I began to think of things I’m thankful for. Even the little things. I want to share those with you, so you can be reminded of how easy it is to be thankful, even for the smallest things.

    -I’m thankful for the roof over my head. There have been too many times in this life that I’ve been unsure of where I’d be sleeping next. Having a home and a bed makes me feel safe and secure.

    -I’m thankful for my family. They accept me for who I am, and they’re not afraid to challenge me to be better or grow.

    -I’m thankful for my dogs. Everyday I catch myself slip or feel a tear come down my cheek, one of them is always there to jump up on me and help lick all the sadness off. (If you’re a cat person, I guess I understand, but you really don’t know what you’re missing.)

    -I’m thankful for my friends. I’d never think that I would walk into a job (especially as a manager) and walk out with lifetime friendships and a new family.

    -I’m thankful for another day of life. Take nothing for granted. Being able to open my eyes and see the shining sun is my greatest blessing.

    -I’m thankful for the reader. I’m no one. What I have to say is not the most important message. But you chose to take some time out of your day to see what I have to say. That means a lot to me.

    As we enter the holiday season, we are entering both the happiest season and the loneliest season of the year. The sun is setting early. It’s cold. With that, it’s easy to forget the blessings. Let’s remind each other. Let’s be thankful for each other. Let’s be there for each other. Be thankful for the life you have. Even if it isn’t easy, it is the best gift to ever be given.

    Prayer: Dear God, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We will never stop thanking you. Amen.

    -cg

  • I Believe That Every Day Is a Second Chance

    **QUICK TRIGGER WARNING: minor mention of suicidal thoughts**

    Yesterday sucked. Nothing bad happened, but it was still a really bad day.

    I’ve spent most days recently spiraling. I’m constantly wrestling with the guilt and shame of mistakes and choices that I’ve made. Yesterday was one of those days. I couldn’t even make it fifteen minutes without finding myself staring down the dark hallway, seeing the shame waiting for me at the end. It’s hard to find strength in a moment like that.

    I promised myself one thing when I started writing this project: I would be raw and honest with everyone. There have been too many days lately where I’ve questioned whether this life is one I want to keep living. But if I’m honest with myself, the one thing that always keeps me going is tomorrow. No matter how bleak things seem to get, I always tell myself that when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll have a chance to do it even better.

    Why is tomorrow so important? To me, tomorrow has always represented a new beginning. A second chance. Tomorrow always gives me an opportunity to learn, grow, and be better than I was today. I don’t always succeed at that, and sometimes one bad day snowballs into two or three. But that’s totally okay!

    I sit here and think about what was written in the Old Testament: “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23, NIV). God wants us to try over each and every day. He knows it isn’t going to be easy, and He knows that we aren’t going to have all the answers. There’s a reason I wake up and the first thing I pray is “Hey God, thanks for waking me up today.”

    My freshman year of college, our professor took us out to the football field one day. He told us the entire 100 yards represented our time on Earth. He had some of us stand at the goal line (birth), some around the 5 yard line (beginning school), some around the 65 yard line (hopeful retirement), as well as other ages of notable life events. He then called us all in around the 18-22 yard lines. “This is your life while you’re here,” he told us. Four yards. Four years. Seemingly endless memories to be made. He then showed us that if you were to break that one yard/year down into 365 days, each day would be no larger than the width of a paperclip. The lesson he gave us has stuck with me ever since, and it’s one that I feel like everyone could benefit by knowing (thanks Corey).

    You have an entire football field to run. One bad little paperclip isn’t going to stop you from reaching the other side.

    Lately, it seems like life is giving us challenge after challenge. Somedays, it doesn’t seem to get any easier. It’s easy to throw your hands up and say “Well, life sucks, and then ya die.” Just remember: God renews His love for you every single day. Take that and give yourself the grace to take each day as its own chance to be the best version you can. And if it’s a real bad day, just throw that paperclip away. It wasn’t holding you together anyways, and the one you get tomorrow is going to be a lot stronger.

    Prayer: God, please help us. Help us get through today. Help us get to tomorrow. When we have nothing to give, please fill us. When we lose strength and fall, please pick us back up. Reveal your renewed love for us so we can use every day to keep pushing forward for the Glory of your Kingdom. Amen.

    -cg

    P.S. – I’m sorry if this was a lot for you to read. I think part of the reason why I wrote this is because I’ve had too many people tell me that they’re shocked to hear how deep my wounds run. We all struggle. Life is hard. We are not alone. Even if you feel like you don’t hear God or have the best relationship with Him, know that we have each other. Call your friends. Check in on the ones you love. And if you need the help, I pray that you’re able to find it.

    https://www.safe2helpil.com/

    988lifeline.org (or dial 988)

  • Why Are We Here?

    I wanted to start this project because I found myself at a very lost point. I was walking a path in life that I felt was exactly where God wanted to lead me. I was very wrong.


    So I was forced to take a step back and gain some new perspective. I began to learn. And what I learned is that I am constantly learning. Everyday. I’m growing. So let’s grow together. God doesn’t want us to just “get it” and move on with our lives, He wants to check in with us every step of the way, imparting us with His wisdom.


    I hope you’ll be able to learn with me.
    -cg

  • I Believe That Pain Has A Purpose

    Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m at the lowest point. Which is weird, since I’m sure I’ve said that a handful of times before. But man, I am struggling. 

    Life has always felt very cyclical. I enter a new chapter, do my best to figure things out, and right when I get comfortable, everything goes into flux. I used to have a saying: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”. Well, I’m done planning. I’m ready to start learning.

    I’m learning that pain has a purpose. I sit here and think of Job, a man who had literally everything taken from him in a cruel test of faith. I think of the homeless man whose words turned me to Jesus in the first place. He told me, “I’m a bad man. I steal, I lie, I cheat. But every night I lay down and thank God for giving me another day to learn.” So often I forget these lessons.

    For the last couple of weeks, I’ve found it hard to smile, get out of bed, or otherwise just live like a human. But there is one thing I never forget to do: pray. Lately, I’ve been asking God a lot of why questions. I hate questioning God, but I also hate having to sit here and suffer for a plan that I don’t even know the details of. 

    But that’s the point. If we were meant to understand every little thing God does for us, why would we need him? We could always be two steps ahead of the big guy. But we need Him, we don’t need to understand Him. When Jesus went to wash his disciples’ feet (because why would he?), he told them “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand” (John 13:7, NIV). Sometimes all we need is to just take our hands off and trust.

    Life isn’t easy. And every day, it seems to be getting harder. However, I believe that is where He wants us, so that He can work on us. Once we grasp that, then we are able to truly begin learning.

    Prayer: Hey God. Please strengthen us and convict us in Your plan for us. Even if we are not the author, we know that our story is in the greatest hands. Help us weather whatever storms may come our way, so that we may come out shining Your Great Light. Amen.

    -cg